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April 9th, 2009
10:16 am - home
so i'm heading home today for easter....i'm down a pound this morning which is nice, but I really want to loose as much possible before I have to go to the nutritionist on monday. Cause then i'll gain when she makes me eat and she'll know my bulimic compulsive overeater self needs way less calories than i know she'll put me on. I'm supposed to tell my mom this weekend when i go home, and i'm terrified. I know if i told my dad he would make fun of me for still being fat, but I'm hoping if i tell my mom she'll help me be able to deal with how much food my dad shoves at me, and won't make me eat, and will let me just fast mostly. My theripist will call her if I don't tell, because she's required to as it is self harming behavior, ahhhhhhh. okay i'll tell right, maybe i'll ask her to go get coffee tonight.
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April 4th, 2009
09:24 pm - so dumb
i"m so stupid, i say I will liquid fast then i just binge and purge and binge and purge, ahh i need to loose 20lbs before next thursday, yeah right can't happen,uhg
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April 2nd, 2009
12:52 am - liquid fast starts now
okay so my lovely liquid fast starts today! So the plan is hot tea for breakfast, hot broth for lunch with tea throughout the day with loads of water and broth again for dinner, and 5 calorie juice if i'm dying for something sweet. I hope to do Today, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and maybe monday. I will use poltry seasoning in my broth as it is way less salt than my normal lemon pepper trip. I need to find someone to eat the carrots and dip in my fridge, so I won't uhg.  I just want to be thin omg!!!!! uhg I probably won't go back till normal foods till i have a super social must ocasion, or until I loose 15lbs.
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March 24th, 2009
10:32 pm - wow today sucks
why do i make excuses for myself, why am I so addicted to food. Why do i say i'm going to do something but i can't do it at all. At least my sense of smell is completely jacked up so if i truely wait till i'm hungry and go off of taste nothing will be eaten. if only it were that easy, i wish! i got a friend to check curfew so i could go to sleep and hopefully get this nasty out of me sooon!!!!
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March 23rd, 2009
06:28 pm - i hate me
oh my god, oh my fucking god, I hate me so much, i can't stop eating ever and I never go to the gym either fuck i'm a cow. I'm back in therapy and now i'm on depression medications, and i'm a huge fucking cow. I plan on drinking just tea tomorrow. I will start the day off with the gym: i plan 30 min circuits on the eliptical, then i'll do squat thrusts, hip thrusts, bench and fly, then plank, and leg ups, then 15 more minutes of cardio. Then i'll go give plasma cause i'm broke and in debt too. uhhhhggggg. Then spend a few hours hiking around the ranch observing for my behavioral class in the afternoon. I have to go to my great aunts memorial service and my grandma's birthday party on saturday then to lubbock with my best friend on saturday, and I need to be down 15 pounds by then. i'm kinda bloated and constipated right now so it should be okay. I just asked my boss if I could have an extra 30 minutes before my next shift tonight so I can go workout, i need it so badly, just for my attitude. I'll drink laxative tea during my meeting tonight at 10:30 and then I guess.....Uhg, salt flush after curfew tonight, deffinately, uhg I hate those but I need it so badly!!!!!! maybe I can be down at least 5 by tomorrow morning, then maybe down by a total of 10 by wednesday morning, then just keep going. I need to just look in my fridge and see what will go bad soon and give it away. I hate to be wasteful of food stuff, but I don't want to eat it. I promise myself I shall not eat until i'm down 15lbs. Right now I'm stopping uhgggggggg i hate my fat lard of a self!!!!
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June 13th, 2008
06:55 am - day 2
ok so yesterday i had 100 calories for lunch, then I made up a 300 calorie stir fry to eat for dinner to make it kinda close to the 500 calories for the day. Well i couldn't even eat half of it and then I felt so sick and I tried not to, but I purged most of it up, I think the only thing that would have stopped me was if one of my roommates had come back so that I couldn't.
So I decided that I'm following abc as maximums for the day and If I fast or am way under it's fine, I just have to get motivated to workout. I swam for a half hour yesterday and did weights for 15 minutes but I think today after class I'm going to change and then see if the crappy cheep gym on campus is open so that I could workout inside so I won't pass out in the heat. I find that I can go longer when i have a machine to hold on to so i don't fall over from dizzyness.
Today is less than 500 calories again, and I'm probably going to dinner with my friend who is in town this weekend, so maybe I'll just say I already ate my aloted calories for the day, or that I don't feel good, or maybe just get a salad and pick at it, she's not suspiscious so it doesn't really matter if I kinda show my disordered eating.
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June 12th, 2008
12:04 pm - abc
So i have finally decided that I'm going to do abc to try and trick my metabolism...normally i just fast and then eat something very small when i need some calories but i'm not loosing very quickly. So today is a 500 calorie day and I've had 100 it was kinda hard just to eat that but i guess I'll just have to make myself follow the plan perfectly so that i can lose and I need to start upping my workouts so that I can burn more calories I burn about 130 calories a day walking to and from school, and then i plan on swimming for at least a half hour (434 calories) then lifting weights for 15 minutes for 63 calories and running 4 miles for 582 calories, so making my total over 1000 burned so hopefully i can loose more quickly! I'll post my next goal on monday, i like to have weekly goals that start mondays.
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October 30th, 2007
05:54 pm
sick...i'm a fat cow
emptyness soon and tomorrow all day emptyness, it'll feel so good!
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October 7th, 2007
05:26 pm - last day for a while
So today is my last day on here for a while as I am fasting to be closer to god, and if i let the fast be fuled by my anorexia it will turn my fast into a hypocritacal chaos. So no, pro ana music, thinspo, posting, and no weigh ins my goal is to make it until I go home for fall break, so I might check in after one week, but that's about it, I'll just have to post about my journey after it has happened! good luck to everyone as well, be strong!
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October 5th, 2007
04:59 am - day one of fasting with help
So i fasted for 3 days and i broke it yesterday, not on purpose but because of weakness.
today starts a fast with help, and not just a fast to loose weight and get this flab off but to purify my mind and spirit from the inside out, my help is God. He has more strength than ever I could have, and fasting is a discipline over looked in our culture, but I want to experience living on Him alone, hungering for His wisdom and love not the food that distresses me so much, so here's to day one.
I know I'll be posting a lot, but I wanted to post before things got crazzy today, i have to finish studying for my two tests, ahh only a few hours before my brain needs to regurgitate loads of info but I needed to document the beginning of something amazing, a fast, that is truly a feast in God's will.
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September 25th, 2007
05:41 pm - bad day remember this when you want to eat
Uggh so today was going great, 77 calories and it was gonna stay that way, untill I screwed up and had a banana, but not just a banana was satisfying, I ate blueberry pop tarts and ate them so fast, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and shoved it down my face, I didn't even enjoy it! Then I made another one, and another one!!! uggh, so today when I could have lost another 5 lbs like yeasterday I gained 3!!!! and you know what I feel like crap, I absolutely hate myself, I mean I could have lived with one, but 3 come on where's your head! You have so much to loose, so much, do you want everyone to keep thinking about what a fat ass you are? Well they're going to! they'll be thinking about it! 1650, when I could have been at 77! what a fat cow I am!! alright that's it, no more, no more, I am not eating tommorrow, I will pretend to eat my soup that's in the fridge, but really just throw it out little by little!! and when the girls get here, I will not eat with them!! nope no eating, if we go out to dinner I will be "sick" and just have iced tea!!! no more being a fat cow!!! I will be down into the next tens group by friday morning, that's 8 pounds, I got this!!! uggh now I need to go do my stupid homework so I can go to sleep!!!
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September 24th, 2007
07:09 pm - today
so All I had was green tea for breakfast, then lots of water, but then I went to the cafeteria with my roomie and I got like a cup of raw squah and a half cup of cucumbers, a fourth cup of black olives, a half cup of bell peppers and 10 cherry tomatoes so I've had 111 calories today but I was gonna fast so ugggh!!! I just want to go to sleep...I have a meeting tonight but I decided that I'm not going cause I look nasty!! so hopefully i will go to bed so i can be energized by my run tommorow morning!
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September 23rd, 2007
09:24 pm - tommorrow it starts fast for 5 days
My friends are comming up to visit me at college this weekend and I feel huge! my clothes look terrible and all they're gonna think is oh she's on her way to gaining the freshmen 15! It's been rough lately, I've been giving in to binges then not being able to purge in these communal bathrooms, but I'm done with that, I will be strong, like I was before.
Here's tommorrows plan. Wake up at 6 and run 2 miles, get ready for class, drink a cup of green tea and take a pill, take water with me to my 8o'clock and finich it off, grab unsweet tea right before my 9o'clock and then drink another water during my 10 class. Go back to the dorm after and swap out my books, and run out of that tempting room (my roomies mother baked and mailed her cookies) and go to the bio study lab to touch up my paper, maybe post on my progress, then head to class at 1, swap books and grab some more tea and a pill and take my lab stuff to study again, then go to my lab, and when I get out talk my roomie into comming with me to work out at the gym for a while(just weights)and then shower and finish up my homework and have some tea, and hopefully go to bed early so I won't be tempted! I'm hoping this week can be very productive and that I'll be able to stay busy so that I won't have to use too much willpower, as it is strained the more stressed I am. I love that I can call on God when my will power is fading and I know I'll be asking him to use this fast to his will as well. Verses on fasting are a great help, as are choosing a specific prayer request to offer up everytime you feel a hunger pang. I'll post tommorrow what my chosen request of the day is. Well it's off to finish a paper, do dishes for the lest time this week (a great benifit of not eating) and get to bed so I'll have energy for my run! think thin ladies
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achievinghope's journal